Tuesday, March 04, 2008

'mucings from stall #2...

You'll remember - loyal reader - that my throne lies in Stall #2 in the men's room here at the office. Yesterday, I was reigning over my kingdom, granted an audience by the royal porcelain, when something rather shocking occurred. I will get to that. But first, allow me to provide some background behind my visit to the promised land.

You see, I've recently added a new supplement to my diet. Recommended by a friend who will remain anonymous, I've started drinking a cupful of Metamucil each evening. Now, many will be distracted or turned off by the line on the label reading "Natural Laxative / Fiber Supplement". After all, isn't a laxative something for the irregular - an insensitive medical intruder to the body's natural working order? Keep in mind that this body's system requires a healthy level of fiber, a level mostly unprovided for in today's modern diet. I'll only refer to the 'muce as a 'fiber supplement'.

The 'muce.

Another misconception: this dietary supplement does not over-soften or loosen one's business. In fact, it does quite the opposite. It firms up the loose, messy stuff while softening the hard "cue-ball" poos. In fact, my visits have not only been more pleasant and more consistent - they have been quicker and cleaner. I have a record number of "2-wipers" to my name*. My 'muce of choice is the Orange Flavor Smooth Texture: tasty, and it goes down easy.

Which brings us to the shocking event mentioned in my introduction.

I entered the men's room to see an empty urinal (stall #1) and a closed door to the obviously occupied stall #3. Either good karma or fate smiled upon me, but my morning ritual had obviously been blessed. After my standard wiping of the seat with a wad of toilet paper (stall #2, by the way, has some heavenly TP), I placed my buttocks upon the seat.

A light tap-tap-tap-scroll sound emanated from the stall to my left (#3), indicating a BlackBerry user (I have no issue with BB use on the throne - the BB is a personal device after all, just save the conversation for later - stick to email). The sound drew my eyes to the floor, utilizing a well-known method to attempt to identify my colleague and neighbor by shoe. I saw the following:

The uber-ugly and classically-outdated tassel shoe.

Only one coworker came to mind as both a BB user and tassel shoe wearer, and I smiled as we silently shared a ritual common to man-kind the world around.

Next, dear reader, the most shocking event occurred. The BB was holstered with a click, toilet paper was rolled off the brown paperboard tube, the toilet was flushed, the pants raised, belt buckled. The stall #3 door was opened. And then. THEN. My colleague and neighbor simply walked out of the men's room.

There was no sound of running water from the sink, no clunk-clunk from the soap pumps, no paper towels pulled from the stack. Dirty hands amongst the masses. I was shocked, dismayed, and suffered a momentary spinning of coffee-with-cream colored stall walls. While I always wash up before leaving the men's room, I can understand the thought behind skipping a rinse after use of the urinal. But it is inexcusable to leave unwashed after a #2.

I finished up my business, washed up, and returned to my day slightly off balance. And slightly skeptical about the world around me. If a tassel-shoed, old-schooler wise to the ways of the world can go unwashed, who else is sullying our environment with a lack of regard for fellow man?

My challenge to you, reader, is this: Help me determine how can I prevent this from happening in the future. Please, for the love of humanity, help us all.

*It is well known that the best wiping record possible is 2 wipes. The first wipe comes back clean, while the second wipe is known as the "Wipe of Disbelief".


Rosie said...

I told you the Muce was good! There are so many women who don't wash their hands after using the bathroom either. It baffles me.

Miss. Bea Havin said...

I'd had totally forgotten about the powers of muce until you reminded this weekend

*Sent from stall 2 iPood

fatmarc said...


Aristides said...

Someone at our office decided it was best to leave a complete offering for the next one entering last week... I entered next...I can only imagine what they didn't wash.

SeattleM&M said...

I use the 'Smooth Move' organic psyllium powder myself, began a namby pamby coop shopping vegan dude. It's true about the W.O.D. -- no matter how many times the fabled husks work their magic, you've still got to take that second look.

Re: non-washers: maybe the IT guy could install an alarm with a siren and intermittant "health alert!" recording that is deactivated for 60 seconds after soap is dispensed?

nate said...

i had a very similar conversation with some drunk dude in rochester who sold bathroom cleaning products.

now, i always wash after taking a dump, but heres something i think about. that guy probably goes around not washing all the time, as do a couple other people im sure. but the fact of the matter is, you havent developed cholera, dysentary, giardia or any other fucked up diseases. so all im saying is, it cant be that big of a deal. your immune system is probably stronger for it.

plus the number of times ive seen you rub your grundle then get other people to smell it is mind bogling