Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Mouth like a corporate whore...

Before I set into my rant, let me just say I met internet friend Sam (slockwoo) at Go Vertical last night. I was fascinated by the whole meet-someone-through-the-blog-world-and-then-meet-them-in-person thing. Sam is Elk's girlfriend, Elk rides mountain bikes with FatMarc; Sam is also a frequenter of Chunky Monkey's blog. Sam is a cancer survivor, is a damn good climber, and so far I think she is pretty cool in blog life and real life. Nathan had a post similar to this when he moved to Flagstaff, sadly his archives are messed up so I can not find it... Word Nate.

Now, the rant. Today I snapped on this whole corporate jargon thing. I know it's just part of corporate culture and as long as I'm the man's bitch, I have to suck it up, but this term was the breaking-straw: Bio Break. We can no longer say, "I gotta drop off the kids at the pool" or "I gotta hit the little boys room" (which is almost as annoying). We have to say BIO BREAK. It makes me want to scream. EVERYONE POOPS. GET OVER IT. If you gotta take a piss or drop a deuce, just say so.

Here are some other gems - with definitions - that really ruffle my feathers:
  • Action item - a task you get to do because someone else is too lazy.
  • Bandwidth - the amount of time you spend fucking around on the internet reading blogs that could be dedicated to action items (see above).
  • Best practice - the way to do something if you don't want someone giving you shit about the way you do your job.
  • Low hanging fruit - action items for lazy people. They are justified because they are "easy money".
  • Offline - as in "Let's take this offline." Read: you're pissing me off and I don't want to snap at you in front of this conference room full of people.
  • Path forward - a list of petty action items that usually get dumped on the newest guy.
  • Pipeline - magical, invisible tube that feeds you more menial action items.
  • Table - the place for shitty ideas, can be a substitute for offline. "Table that idea for now, it's not low hanging fruit."
There are plenty more of these, and it turns out that others have started cataloging them with their own definitions here: corporatejargon.com. Also see wikipedia's entry.

4 comments:

slockwoo said...

I'm a corporate whore! arugh. Before I get started with the agenda, let me just say that it was very nice meeting you in real life as well. Ok, before we get to our first action item, does anyone need a bio break? I'd like to say we need to recognize the challenge we have to achieve our stretch target and reduce chrun give our bandwith. Let's table the discussion on increasing bandwith for now. Let's pick some low hanging fruit and so we can put some wins up on the board. I'd like to expand our network, but first we need to identify the stake holders. Let's keep our goals SMART and not forget the KISS factor (keep it simple stupid). The members on the team who have alligator arms (I can't reach because it is not my job) will need to be eliminated. Oh and we also need to determine the ROI.
--------------------------------
Ok... this exercise is giving me a headache. I'm way too fluent in the corporate bullshit.

cheers.

gwadzilla said...

thanks for the archive tip


not sure if it is on my end

read some of the BLOGGER HELP stuff

but did not want to risk playing around with that stuff

waiting for a response from Blogger

Buddy said...

Rob,
Check out;
www.belgianshop.com

I will warn you the shipping is a bit pricy.
Buddy

Rachel said...

My pet peeve is people who use "action" as a verb - "Can you action that?", etc. ARGH.